By Ericka Alston Buck
Special to the AFRO

Ericka Alston Buck speaks on the gift of self-love this holiday season. (Courtesy photo)

The holidays are here again. The twinkling lights, the matching pajama photos flooding your timeline, the “cuffing season” memes—it’s giving pressure. But let me stop you right there. We’re not about to let this season send us scrambling to find a plus-one for dinner or tolerating someone who doesn’t even deserve a seat at our table. This year, it’s all about choosing you.

Take a moment and reflect on the partners you’ve entertained over the past year. I know, it might be a tough pill to swallow, but think about where you must’ve been mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to even consider some of those situations. Whew– you can tell a lot about the frequency you’re on by the choices you make—and some of these choices? Yeah, they scream, “I was tired, distracted or just trying to feel something.”

Here’s the truth: you are the common denominator in every relationship you’ve had. That’s not shade—it’s empowerment. Because if you’re the common thread, you hold the power to shift the pattern. And maybe, just maybe, this holiday season is the perfect time to hit pause on the pressure, the traditions, and the “I need somebody by New Year’s Eve” mindset. Instead, let’s talk about being whole and healed.

The gift of self

First things first, healing is not a linear process. It’s messy and it takes time. But when you focus on being whole—when you pour into yourself, take accountability and commit to growing—you start attracting what aligns with your higher self. The version of you that deserves peace, respect and love.

This season, let’s rewrite the narrative. The holidays don’t have to be about finding someone to bring home to meet Auntie. It’s about meeting yourself where you are and asking, “What do I need to feel whole?”

Tips to kick off the holiday season whole and healed

  1. Declutter your spirit: Just like you’d clear out your closet before a new year, clean out your emotional baggage. Journal about your past relationships and what you’ve learned. Release the hurt, the resentment and the self-blame. Let it go!
  2. Set boundaries like you are royalty: Sometimes, that pressure to find a partner comes from well-meaning family members or nosy coworkers. Practice saying, “I’m focusing on me right now, and it feels amazing.” And then, mean it.
  3. Invest in your growth: Take a holiday class, pick up a new hobby or travel solo. Anything that feeds your soul and reminds you of your own magic.
  4. Create your own traditions: Who said matching pajamas can’t be with your girls or your babies? Bake cookies, watch movies and sip hot cocoa—your way. Make memories that aren’t tied to anyone else but you.
  5. Celebrate small wins: Healing isn’t an overnight thing. Celebrate every step you take, whether it’s realizing a red flag quicker or choosing not to text that toxic ex.

Let’s normalize wholeness

Let’s normalize not “settling” just because society says we should. The truth is, the holidays aren’t really about having someone else to complete you; they’re about gratitude, love and connection—with yourself first and foremost.

This season, when the holiday music starts playing and you feel that little pang of loneliness, remind yourself: you are the prize. Whole. Healed. Radiating love from the inside out.

And when that time does come for you to share your life with someone, you’ll be ready—not because you’re desperate or lonely–but because you’re aligned with your higher self, matching pajamas and all.