By Victoria Mejicanos
AFRO Intern
“What happens in this house stays in this house.”
“Stop crying– before I give you something to cry about.”
“Fix your face.”
These are all sayings that many within the Black community grew up hearing, but their deeper impact often goes unnoticed until it’s too late. While these may seem harmless, and some may even find them amusing, these sayings promote behaviors that can quickly become toxic to a family dynamic. By encouraging secrecy, suppression of emotions and control based on shame, these sayings teach children – who carry the lessons into adulthood – to hide pain, silence themselves and prioritize obedience over emotional health, creating a never ending cycle that becomes harder to break.
Sometimes it isn’t just phrases, but expectations placed on children from a young age.
Javion Postell, a 20-year-old man from Oklahoma City, was the oldest of four siblings. He said each day growing up consisted of not only getting himself ready for school, but his siblings as well. His responsibilities only grew over time.
“A lot of times–especially when I got older–I was cooking dinner, I was watching my siblings, I was doing a lot of very adult things from a very young age,” said Postell.
Postell said he often had to choose between doing homework and doing chores, and when he didn’t choose what his parents wanted, he was berated.
Nijiama Smalls, the CEO and founder of the Black Girl’s Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds, said she was inspired to start the virtual space to help people heal themselves after working with people of color in Washington, D.C. She said that a lot of her clients had learned toxic behaviors in the 1980s and ‘90s, but it didn’t stop there.
“I think our community as a whole has embraced toxic behavior that we celebrate, like when we curse each other out when we’re upset,” said Smalls.
One such toxic behavior is the burying of family secrets, which according to Smalls, can be harmful. “We keep those secrets, and in those secrets, there’s a lot of shame, and that shame we keep passing down from generation to generation because we’re afraid to talk about it,” said Smalls.
The shame and secrecy then spill over into conflict which leads to resentment down the line. For Smalls, the first step is acknowledgment.
“In my family, we feel like that’s starting drama if you have those conversations, but it’s not, it’s starting healing. That’s where the healing process starts,” she said.
The author and wellness coach added that it’s OK to take distance from family when needed, especially if a productive conversation with boundaries and humility takes place prior.
“I think whenever your peace is consistently compromised that means there needs to be some distance,” said Smalls.”Regardless of who it is, God did not put us here to be in constant turmoil, to be in constant distress, and it’s OK to walk away.”
She reassured that taking some distance from family does not mean complete hatred or disownment.
However, acknowledgment is not always possible for some people and accepting that fact is key to healing, according to Smalls.
“Acknowledgement requires one to sit with themselves. It requires time alone. Time in silence. It requires maturity and courage that not everyone has,” she said.
In terms of how to rebuild, Smalls said it requires time and hard work. Steps such as journaling, praying and reading self-help books are solutions…as long as a person is ready to begin.