By Christina Sturdivant Sani, Special to the AFRO
My son turned 10 years old last month, which means I’m a whole decade into this mom life. And truth be told, sometimes I’m still shocked that I’m responsible for an entire little person. After getting pregnant unexpectedly in college, my life shifted and I was forced to move with it—controlling what I could and coming to terms with things beyond my control.
Christina Sturdivant Sani
AFRO contributor Christina Sturdivant Sani and her son.
With Black millennial moms in particular, there seems to be a self-imposed pressure to succeed, according to Nikki Osei-Barrett, co-founder of District MotherHUED, a group that hosts events for millennial moms of color in the D.C. area. “My biggest challenge is balancing my overly ambitious nature with motherhood. I’m team do-the-absolute-most and it (often) takes away from my family,” Osei-Barrett told the AFRO.
Unsurprisingly, Osei-Barrett is not alone. Below is a snapshot of challenges that Black millennial moms in the region face and how they are learning to progress. They are looking at themselves in the mirror—facing their perceived shortcomings and celebrating their beauty. They are overcoming fears and talking to their children about being Black in a racially-charged America. They are unabashedly relying on friends, relatives and counselors to get them on the other side of roadblocks. They are liberating themselves from society’s expectations of the ideal mom and paving their own ways with creativity, strength, and intuition.
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Aviance Amponsah-Efah
Aviance Amponsah-Efah—Homemaker, worship leader, and mom of three from Triangle, Virginia.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
My biggest challenge is remembering who I am as an individual. When you have kids, it consumes your life. All of a sudden you go from working on your goals to devoting all of your energy to making these little people great adults. You forget about yourself. You forget about your personal goals for yourself. Your reason is totally ‘I have to do this so I’m a good mom’ not ‘I have to do this to make myself happy,’
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
Forcing time to dedicate to my personal goals.
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Brittney Simpson—Human resources manager and mom of one from Northwest, D.C.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
It’s difficult being the first within my friend group to become a mommy. It definitely has altered the friendships. Some friends have begun to distance themselves while others have fully embraced my new responsibilities. I don’t feel any sense of obligation to my employer. I’d rather be a stay at home mom for now and return to work later. I may go back to school in the meantime.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I have a therapist. I spend time with friends who celebrate me and my son.
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Cierra Jennings—HR specialist and mom of one from Silver Spring, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
Raising a young boy can be scary—especially seeing so many killings or our young black boys, the Me Too Movement, etc. I constantly feel the responsibility/pressure to make sure he understands boundaries and how he should respond in certain situations. I want to make sure he is respectful, kind, and treats people the way he wants to be treated. There are so many potential obstacles and mistakes that could be made. And as a parent, you want to know that you did all you could do to guide them down the right path.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I’m learning to not let fear be the motivation—to keep things in perspective. I’m always going to take my responsibility as a parent seriously and do my best to prepare him to be a positive, contributing member of society—but not out of fear of what may come, out of love and because I want the best for him.
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Shar’del Haden—Photographer, writer, and mother of three from White Plains, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
My biggest challenge is finding time for the things I want to do.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I am learning to make time regardless of whatever else going on—I strive to make time for ME.
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Niki Montgomery—Marketing/communications consultant and mother of three from Fort Washington, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
As a Black millennial mom, there is an unspoken pressure to do and be all, and multi-tasking is often the vehicle. My biggest challenge has been learning NOT to multi-task. Multi-tasking is typically perceived as the best way to ‘crush your to-do list’ and get a ton of things done in a short amount of time, but for me has resulted in a lack of focus and a failure to be present.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
Being intentional about being present and focusing on one thing at a time.
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Folasade’ Ogunmokun
Folasade’ Ogunmokun—Media CEO and mother of one from Fort Washington, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
I think the biggest challenge so far as a Black millennial mom is that I’m trying to change the world that my son will live in, while at the same time raising my Black son. There are still lynchings, still racism, still sexism happening and my son sees it all. My job is to show him a different picture and make the world see it too.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
You don’t exactly overcome a challenge like this, your become it. Everything I do effects this narrative. Everyone I bring my son around effects it and I have to learn to be transparent but also show strength, determination, and change.
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Patrice Hagan—Public relations manager and mother of two from Virginia.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
I’ve found it very difficult to balance making time for myself without guilt that I should be doing more for my family all the time. I give my family my all and sometimes I’m on “E” when it’s time to pour into myself. Although I know in my mind that self love and self care is essential, finding that balance of self care and care for my family is a daily art that I’m trying to practice.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I have learned that without crying for myself, I’m no good to those I love and caring for. I can’t pour from an empty cup. After having my children, my sense of self got blurry for a while. I became a full blown mommy, losing bits and pieces of myself and losing sight of the things that brought me joy—outside of my husband and children. So I’ve made a conscious effort to rediscover those things that make me happy and have made time to enjoy doing and practicing those things to ensure that my spirit is fed, in some big or small way, each day. This helps to avoid resentment and burnout when taking care of my family at the capacity that I do.
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Kalyn Hall—Marketing professional and mother of one from Rockville, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
The workforce is not embracing or very flexible in ways that make it easier to handle motherly duties. From a your daily schedule to child care and managing daily/household routines. It is a constant challenge that only colleagues with kids actually understand and most of the time your boss is not a parent so they are highly insensitive in this regard.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
It is a work in progress but I am learning to ask for help. I have always taken on 100 percent of duties and parenting alone—despite being married. This year, I am committed to delegating and ensuring I give myself time to relax and rejuvenate.
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Keisha Blount Nelson
Keisha Blount Nelson—Educator, entrepreneur, and mom of one from Elkridge, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
I believe my biggest challenge is simultaneously my greatest reward: growth. Motherhood has challenged me to stretch and grow in areas and in ways that I could have never imagined. I am challenged daily to face my own insecurities and to confront aspects of my identity that I wasn’t quite prepared to tackle.
I didn’t want motherhood to expose my issues with perfectionism, but it did when I struggled with trying to be and do the impossible with my son and got burnt out. Chile, trying to dot every ‘I’ and cross every “T” got a sista tired. I didn’t want motherhood to expose my insecurities with weight and body image, but of course that snap back was more of an emotional setback because I was neither kind nor realistic with myself after housing and birthing a human.
I didn’t want motherhood to expose my tendency to be non-confrontational, but it did several times when needing to speak up for my son in different spaces. Never before have I felt more pressure in my Black millennial mom skin than having the charge to raise a liberated, conscious, spiritually grounded Black boy in a world that profits from his oppression.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I take one day at a time. I’m trying to work on pacing myself, slowing down my thoughts while processing my ‘stuff.’ I pray… a lot. Rather than avoiding the issues that would usually bring me anxiety, I’ve been ‘doing the work.’ I try to attack root causes and work toward healing and minimizing their impact on his generation.
I allow myself room to be imperfect. Rely on my supports: hubby, family, #momsquad.
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Phree White—Nonprofit marketing manager and mother of one from Alexandria, Virginia.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
My biggest challenge is dealing with being a reluctant mom. I love my child. She’s amazing. I don’t regret her, but there are times I wish I was an aunt instead of a mom because I’d be able to choose when I wanted to have this responsibility and when I didn’t. I’ve always been pretty self-sufficient and independent. I’m a pretty social person, but there are days when I want—need—to be alone.
Because it’s just my child and I, I have no choice but to be there for her. I can’t close a door and tell her I don’t want to interact today or I don’t want to hug her or touch her today because I’m not feeling human interaction.
There are days when I want to do nothing but come home and eat cereal and fall in the bed but that’s not possible because there’s homework every night and dinner every night and that whole routine.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I used to feel guilty because I thought that when you became a mom there was some switch that flipped and you were happy to sacrifice yourself for the greater good of this little human you created and I thought mine never got turned on. I had to learn that me needing space for myself wasn’t me abandoning my child, but recognizing the things that I needed to replenish myself so that I could care for her properly. I learned to create alone time for myself each day and schedule at least a full 24 hours every two months so I could do whatever with no expectations that I care for anyone but me.
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Ashlee Laughlin
Ashlee Laughlin—Entrepreneur and mother of one from Greenbelt, Md.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
My biggest challenge so far as a millennial mom has been balance. I had gotten spoiled by being able to live my life in the fast lane, taking freelance opportunities, and traveling all over pursuing my career in entertainment. But when Taj was born, I initially felt fearful of how I would balance my dreams, my business and motherhood. As a Black mother and a child of a Black mother, you witness all the layers—strength, determination, sacrifice, and all the things mothers endure to ensure you are loved and safe. I want to emulate that. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for such an amazing journey. It’s humbling.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I am learning that it’s ok to say NO! I think a lot of moms feel guilty because they are either unable to create a lifestyle that allows time for their kids or they are overly committed to growth in other areas. I feel liberated by my ability to create boundaries to protect the bonding time my son and I spend together. Nothing will ever come before him. My balance involves the time I create for my family, which I never realized I’d have to fight so hard for. If I can’t take on a project that requires me working crazy hours, I say no. No was never in my vocabulary before Taj.
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Karissa Uko—Senior Manager (events and communications) and mother of one from Lake Ridge, Va.
What’s your biggest challenge as a millennial mom of color?
The biggest struggle has been parenting without immediate family nearby. My husband and I have actively worked on building relationships with other parents in the area, but it’s really just him and I with our son.
How are you learning to overcome this challenge?
I am volunteering on the planning committee for the inaugural Momference. This platform powered by District MotherHUED is forcing me to network and be outgoing in a way I haven’t before. Meeting other moms that look and have relatable backgrounds as me is refreshing and much needed.