By D. Kevin McNeir
Special to the AFRO
kmcneir@afro.com
Many adults grew up with the adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” as a means of parents arming children for inevitable encounters with bullies.
However, in recent studies, psychologists have found that verbal attacks, either from children’s peers or from adults, can negatively impact youth both during their formative years and well into adulthood.
That’s why Alicia McKenzie, a biracial woman and mother of five from McLean, Va., said she began to explore creative ways to transform words like “bossy,” “picky,” and “stubborn,” so that they do not label or shame children.
“Someone might use a word meant to limit or define your child, but it’s up to us as parents to teach them how to flip that script – turn a negative into something positive and create their own narrative,” McKenzie said.
Drawing on her 18 years of learning to parent five children, as well as her own experiences as a child of Mexican, Native American and Black descent, McKenzie recently published a picture book in which she offers a fresh take on 26 all-too-familiar critical, belittling words spanning the alphabet.
She said her children, whose ages range from 18 to 3, have already begun to reclaim words that others have used to describe them to form their own identities and take pride in the special qualities that make them stand out.
“I had my first child when I was just 19 and I had no idea what I was doing,” she said. “Sometimes I’d say to my oldest daughter , ‘you’re so dramatic,’ or ‘you’re so lazy.’ But in time, I realized that she was simply growing up and going through her own challenges. I had to learn to pause before speaking out of anger or frustration.”
McKenzie recalls how difficult it was for her to fit in because of the texture and length of her hair or because of the way she talked and the language she used. She said she’s determined to help children develop a more positive sense of themselves.
“Given my ethnic background, and with my husband who is Scottish/Irish, our children are multiracial – not quite White and not quite Black. So, it’s important to provide images that reflect their likenesses so they can see themselves in society.”
In a report published in “Biological Psychiatry” (February 2009), researchers found that harsh words, like sticks and stones, can damage a child’s brain. They determined that parental verbal abuse can injure brain pathways, possibly causing depression, anxiety, and problems with language processing.”
A more recent report published by the National Institutes of Health adds further credence to the concept that negative words can harm children and impact their everyday behavior.
“Negative words can have a significant impact on a child’s brain development and mental health, with studies showing they can cause long-term harm,” the report posited. “This is because it can rewire the brain’s threat response and dull its reward circuitry, making it harder for the child to experience joy and connection.”
McKenzie said she’s been invited to speak to children and their parents throughout the Greater Washington Area and has been met with great enthusiasm.
“One little girl told me that while said she’s often called stubborn she now believes that’s OK,” McKenzie said. “Used in a positive way, it means she’s picky and doesn’t like doing the same thing every day.
“Even one of my daughters, often described as quiet, has found solace in that word, especially because the world is so loud these days. She’s very creative and she’s learned that she needs quiet time to work on her artistic endeavors.”
McKenzie, who grew up surrounded by music, said employing rhyming patterns and rhythms is a good way to communicate effectively with children and to teach them new concepts.
“I grew up singing and have learned that when the words we use flow off the tongue, children understand our message and more easily remember what they’ve been told,” she said.
She shared one of her favorite rhymes which she has used with several of her children as a means of encouragement.
“M is for messy, with toys thrown all about, playing this way lets my imagination sprout. Please don’t worry. For eventually I’ll grow, and my room will be clean. For now, just let it go.”
McKenzie is now the author of a book titled “These ABCs Belong to Me!,” a picture book that helps children reclaim the words used to describe them, transforming labels into superpowers and building confidence one letter at a time. She said the book is really about encouraging children to embrace how they are different from others.
