On Father’s Day, Forgiveness

Bobby Marvin Holmes has been a mentor and a father figure to dozens of young Black boys in Baltimore. But it has taken him decades to forgive his biological father and begin the process of healing from abandonment. He shares his story in hopes that more young men can begin the process of forgiveness and begin the process of repairing their relationships with their dads, as we celebrate Father’s Day.

Bobby Marvin Holmes, Founder of Son of a Dream. (Courtesy Photo)

I tried not to be like my father my whole life. I tried to avoid the pitfalls and traps that he succumbed to in his life. However, he disappointed me the most, not because he broke up with my mother, or because he went to prison. I was most angry because he wasn’t there for me.

Shortly after my parents split, fast money lured Rob (my biological father) to the streets. For years, he wrestled with his own demons and incarceration. So to keep me safe, my mother kept him at a distance. I was around 4-years-old at the time of their separation and I wouldn’t see him again for another seven or eight years.

I remember the night my aunt took me to visit him. I walked into a shabby row house in East Baltimore and he appeared from the shadows of a dark room. But, when he looked at me, he didn’t recognize me. He tried repeatedly to guess my identity until my aunt grew tired of him guessing and told him I was his son.

I retreated upstairs to see my grandfather who was in poor health. When I was about to leave I walked passed Rob and noticed him slouched over with his head down crying. My aunt asked him what was wrong and all he could say was, “It wasn’t my fault.” My aunt quickly dismissed his display of guilt and we left.

In the absence of Rob, my mother met and married Chris, a blue collar working man who took pride in hard work and family. He raised me with conviction and love. He taught me how to shave, shine my shoes, and modeled how a man was supposed to care for his family. However, I was never taught the importance of forgiveness.

I spent years not knowing how to really forgive my biological father. But, a turning point occurred when we reunited again. This time I was an adult. I became more curious about where I came from and what Rob was like as a person. I began to spend time with him. Once I got to know him the anger subsided a little.

We talked and hung out from time to time. Even though we shared a few laughs and watched football games together, we didn’t share our feelings. I guess I convinced myself that I didn’t need to and that things would work out. But I was wrong.

I didn’t want to admit it but I hadn’t fully checked my anger or made peace with my father’s absence. I hadn’t forgiven him and I really didn’t know how. I had mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to know and connect with my father. But another part of me felt abandoned and couldn’t trust him.

It’s hard to forgive, knowing he could leave again. I knew this to be true no matter how much time went by. He could disappear at any moment and once again the anger would resurface. My resentment toward him was the only certainty.

However, to my surprise, when I took the first real step toward forgiveness and it started with a simple conversation. I reached out to my father to help me with a paper for a course I was taking in graduate school. This was really weird because he never helped me with my homework before and I didn’t always like talking to him because our conversations would sometimes end with an argument. I called and told him I needed help with writing a paper. He agreed to meet with me.

That night we sat in my car and just talked. He shared what happened with my mother and reasons why he wasn’t present in my life. In return, I expressed my disappointment in him. It was a hurtful thing to hear but necessary for the both of us.

He offered no excuses and we didn’t argue. He just listened, which was very important to me. Afterwards, our relationship was still uncertain. But that one conversation helped me understand that forgiveness is possible.

Bobby Marvin Holmes is the founder of Son of a Dream, a consulting & multimedia firm committed to empowering youth, families and communities. He is also the author of the forthcoming book, 100! Real Talk for Our Boys due out in October 2017.