By Ericka Alston Buck
Special to the AFRO
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month — a time when purple ribbons remind us of a painful truth too many live with daily: love should never hurt, but for millions, it does. And that hurt doesn’t always look the way we expect.
When people hear the words “domestic violence,” the first images that often come to mind are the most visible ones: black eyes, bruises, broken bones. But abuse isn’t always physical, and it doesn’t always announce itself loudly. Sometimes, it whispers. It hides in text messages demanding constant check-ins. It shows up in controlling comments about what you wear. It lingers in the uneasy silence you keep just to avoid “setting him – or her – off.”
The reality is simple: abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 and just discovering love, 40 and balancing career and family, or 60 and starting over. It doesn’t care about income, sex, education or zip code. The patterns are the same — power, control, isolation and fear. Abuse thrives in silence, especially when victims tell themselves it “isn’t that bad” because it hasn’t left visible scars.
Abuse beyond the physical
Too often, society teaches us to only recognize bruises as proof. But abuse comes in many forms:
- Emotional abuse: put-downs, gaslighting and constant criticism
- Isolation: discouraging time with family, friends or community
- Financial control: controlling money, limiting access or sabotaging independence
- Digital monitoring: checking phones, demanding passwords, tracking whereabouts
- Threats and intimidation: behaviors that create fear, even if no hand is ever raised
If your world feels smaller, your choices fewer or your voice silenced — that’s not love, it’s abuse.
Spotting the signs in the people we love
Recognizing abuse matters not only for ourselves but for the people around us. Domestic violence often hides in plain sight, and sometimes the only clues come from watching someone we love fade into a smaller version of themselves.
Some warning signs to look for:
- A partner who demands constant contact or becomes angry if calls aren’t answered right away
- Jealousy characterized as “love” or “just caring”
- Criticism about clothes, friends or choices
- Dramatic mood swings that create fear and uncertainty
- Slowly giving up hobbies, laughter and confidence
If someone you care about seems to be shrinking instead of shining, lean in with love. Ask questions. Listen. Believe them.
The hard truth about leaving
Walking away from an abusive relationship is rarely simple. Fear, shame and financial dependence can trap survivors in dangerous cycles. Many cling to the hope that things will change. But here’s the truth: real love doesn’t require you to lose yourself.
Where to turn
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month—and every month—it’s important to know that help is out there. House of Ruth Maryland provides safe shelter, counseling and legal support to those who are ready to leave abusive relationships and reclaim their lives. Call 410-889-RUTH (7884) or visit hruth.org.